I’m not always about horror. Sometimes I want something a little less bloody, cheesy, or completely unhinged and just want to take it down a notch. Give me a good mystery that gets under my skin and keeps me guessing, and I’m all in.
So when a movie about a priest killer randomly popped up in my feed, you know I had to see what was up. And then Tubi blessed me with Liam Neeson, Justin Long and a cellar door that absolutely should’ve never been opened.
Let me tell you: it was one hell of a thrilling night.
The Rosary Murders (1987)
On Ash Wednesday — how do I know? Because the nurse has ashes on her forehead — a priest on life support mysteriously dies after someone enters his room. It’s the beginning of the Rosary Killer’s rampage against priests and nuns.
Charles Durning, who ranks right up there with Donald Pleasence in the Was This Guy in Everything? Hall of Fame, attends his dead colleague’s wake and takes the priest’s glasses, trying them on like he’s at an optical store before deciding to keep them for himself. When Father Koesler (Donald Sutherland) catches him, he mentions that the dead priest also got new dentures recently in case he wants to swipe those, too. It made me laugh out loud.
Koesler is pretty laid-back for a priest. When a nun friend tells him she’s basically divorcing Jesus to marry another man, he doesn’t exactly clutch his rosary beads in horror. Unfortunately for her, she’s the killer’s next victim. And it isn’t pretty.
Eventually, the killer enters a confessional and admits to Koesler that he’s the one committing all these dastardly deeds, putting Koesler in one hell of a conundrum: Does he break his sacred vows or let the killer keep killing?
So Koesler starts doing some investigating of his own, meeting a pretty journalist who’s covering the murders along the way. They have drinks, which eventually leads to the two waking up next to each other the following morning — fully clothed.
Did they or didn’t they? You decide.
I’m sure there’s all kinds of messaging buried in here about faith, temptation, duty, guilt and God knows what else, but I’m not trying to decipher hidden messages. I’m just enjoying the ride.
And it’s a good one. The movie moves along without ever getting stuck in the River of Molasses as the mystery unfolds, keeping you hooked enough to want to know who the killer is and why he’s targeting priests and nuns.
But don’t get too cocky and think you’ve solved it before the end. I thought I had, and I was dead wrong.
Although I have to say, the twist I invented in my head would’ve been a pretty damn good one. And yes, it involved Father Nabors and not the way it actually happened.
🔥Our Verdict: WATCHABLE. An old-school murder mystery that hits the mark. Come for Donald Sutherland, stay for Charles Durning stealing from the dead.
After.Life (2009)
You know I’ll pretty much watch anything with Justin Long — and Liam Neeson, for that matter, and when he’s playing an undertaker it becomes a must-see. This was a weird movie, and I didn’t have the patience to wait around and learn whether Anna (Christina Ricci) was dead or alive, so I cheated and looked it up. Definitely didn’t take away from the thrills. The movie plays mind tricks on you — just like Neeson’s Eliot Deacon plays mind tricks on Anna.
The movie came out three years after Dexter premiered and gave me a little of that vibe, although it’s subtler and, maybe because everything is condensed into a movie, a lot creepier.
There are parts that make no sense if you really sit back and think about them, but in the moment, you pretty much believe everything — just like Anna believes everything Deacon tells her. And what about Justin Long? He plays Anna’s almost-fiancé, and what happens to him is just as shocking as what happens to Anna.
🔥Our Verdict: WATCHABLE. A definite mystery-night mind f*ck. Just try not to cheat like I did.
Bone Daddy (1998)
Rutger Hauer stars in this one after becoming a hitchhiker’s worst nightmare. Only now he’s a former medical examiner turned author whose book about an unsolved serial-killer case inspires the killer to start up again.
There are some gross moments that will make your bones hurt because our serial killer likes to remove bones from his victims while they’re still alive. Yeah. Also the cop’s cat must’ve been starving to start eating a dead body. Makes me wonder if I died at home would Lucy do that to me too? Of course she would. She’s a “demon child.”
A typical TV movie mystery (it aired on HBO) but decent enough for a stormy movie night when you want murder without having to work too hard for it..
🔥Our Verdict: WATCHABLE. Don’t ever write a book about a serial killer…unless you’re Rutger Hauer.
The Prophet’s Game (2000)
Dennis Hopper plays a retired cop who supposedly caught a serial killer years ago, except apparently he didn’t.
Now someone is contacting him, and there’s a game called The Prophet’s Game, with the killer murdering people who can’t solve his riddles — and Hopper is next on the list.
I couldn’t get into it. There’s no tension, no believability, and the only riddle rolling around in my head is: What do you do when you’ve spent too long trying to make a movie make sense?
The answer, of course: Tap out and throw it in the trashbin.
🗑️ Our Verdict: TRASH. A total waste of time — and brain cells — for me and Dennis Hopper.
Cellar Door (2024)
I really didn’t think I’d like this one, but I like Jordana Brewster, who plays Sera, so while it starts off a little slow, she’s the reason I kept watching. And I’m glad I did.
After a tragedy, Sera and her husband John (Scott Speedman) decide to move and start house hunting, coming across a gorgeous home in a great neighborhood. The owner, Emmett (Laurence Fishburne), wants to give them the fully furnished house free of charge. But there’s one condition: Never open the cellar door.
As weird as it is, who the hell wouldn’t want a deal like that? How hard can it be to not open a cellar door, right? So Sera and John take the plunge.
Of course, John can’t resist and wants to break the rule just like he can’t resist breaking the rules of marriage by having an affair with a psycho coworker. The guy makes nothing but bad choices. Lies to his wife. Leads a double life. And you just wish Sera would open her eyes…and in the end? Well, you just have to watch.
🔥Our Verdict: WATCHABLE. Top notch movie with a shocking, unexpected twist. When it gets to the end, you’ll only have two words: Holy Shit.
Final Thoughts from Behind the Cellar Door
Four winners. One loser. A rather successful Roulette spin, if I say so myself — at least for tonight. We all know how finicky that roulette wheel can be.
Maybe one night I’ll hit that elusive five-spin win, but knowing my luck, I’ll probably get a full night of trashbin fuel.
That’s what makes Streaming Roulette so much fun.
