Sometimes late at night, I think I’m about to watch a nice, normal TV show. But then a wild-ass movie pops up on my screen, uninvited and so oddly compelling, I tell myself, “just five minutes.” Next thing I know, it’s 3 a.m., I’m eight brain cells down (sometimes), and I’ve accidentally watched five movies, none of which I actually meant to watch.
This round of Streaming Roulette started with an underwater monster. It ended in a marital dispute inside a cave full of cheesy rubber horror. Welcome to Streaming Roulette, courtesy of Tubi and Shudder.
Octopus 2: River of Fear (2001)
This is EXACTLY how I like my creature features: carnage, cheese, and no explanation whatsoever. A pissed-off octopus terrorizes New York City via the Hudson River for reasons unknown, and you know what? I respect that.
We get a big, menacing eye peeking out of the water that looks as cheesy as a Malnati’s pizza and a finale that involves fireworks. I don’t care how many kids get saved on that damn bus — blowing up an octopus to a fireworks show is peak cinema.
🔥 Our Verdict: WATCHABLE. Glorious Trash. Would rewatch with snacks. (Also: WHERE is Octopus? Because I’m absolutely watching it next.)
Octopus (2000)
Well, I found it. And it’s got…JFK footage? Cuba? Soviets delivering toxic waste to Castro? I was intrigued for about 10 seconds, but then it just dragged right into the River of Molasses. Boring characters. Weak monster moments. And yet the sequel is better, which almost NEVER happens. I said “almost.” We all know about Aliens.
🗑️ Our Verdict: TRASH. Straight to the Tap Out Trashbin. Didn’t even finish it. That’s how bad it was.
Tentacles (1977)
Henry Fonda. John Huston. Shelley Winters. Bo Hopkins. And a prehistoric octopus with a bad attitude. What could go wrong?
Oh, everything.
We’ve got cheesy Italian disco music, horrid acting, and a mom who leaves baby Billy alone in a park near the water to go gossip across the street. Guess what happens? Billy’s gone. All that’s left is a mangled stroller floating in the surf. And that’s just the opening act (or close enough for me to remember it as the opening act).
The octopus starts racking up a body count — sailors, divers, kids on a boat trip — but the real crime is how bad the monster looks. Half the time, it’s just shaky tentacles and reaction shots, and the other half is pure rubber-suit comedy. Shelley Winters tries her best to deliver drama ala Mrs. Kintner from Jaws, and Henry Fonda mostly phones it in from a rocking chair.
It’s awful, but you gotta admit — the title’s still cool as hell, even if it is a Jaws ripoff.
🗑️ Our Verdict: TRASH. The only redeeming thing about this movie is the sheer hilarity of Shelley Winters’ hat.
Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold (1986)
No lie, I thought this was a movie about Alan Quartermaine from General Hospital when it popped up. But no — it’s Richard Chamberlain pretending to be a jungle adventurer in an Indiana Jones ripoff so cheesy it should be wrapped in foil (yes, cheese and bad puns are the price of admission to the Roulette table).
James Earl Jones is here, too, which is wild. Darth Vader playing a Zulu warrior named — wait for it — Umslopogaas — in a movie this bad? I need a minute because I really can’t stop laughing. Umslopogaas. OMG. He must’ve been high when he accepted this.
Add in Sharon Stone and Elvira cosplaying as an Evil Queen, and this becomes a bad jungle acid trip with budget cosplay energy.
🗑️ Our Verdict: TRASH. Straight to the Tap Out Trashbin. Even nostalgia can’t save it. Embarrassed for everyone involved.
Who Invited Them (2022)
How did I end up on Shudder? I have no idea, but here I am.
A couple moves into a new house. They throw a party. And then they let two total strangers— aka “the neighbors” — stay after the party ends, even though they don’t remember inviting them in the first place. That’s when it turns into a weird, awkward sex cult vibe with creepy energy and zero payoff.
Slow burn? Nah. This movie was stuck in the River of Molasses right from the beginning.
🗑️ Our Verdict: TRASH. Who invited this movie? Not me.
It’s Alive (1969)
Back to Tubi, where the true trash lives. This It’s Alive is not to be confused with the 1974 cult classic, which is definitely worth a watch if you haven’t seen it.
The reason I clicked on this one in the first place was the cool poster and seemingly interesting premise. I mean, get real people. When you’re looking at those small boxes of infinite movie choices on your TV screen, hoping for a gem, sometimes the poster does all the talking.
A couple gets stranded in the Ozarks, finds a weird roadside attraction, and ends up staying with a random man who definitely looks like he kills people. Sounds promising, right?
Nope. It takes 30 full minutes to even SEE the damn monster. The rest is just marital bickering and emotional abuse in a cave. And when that monster shows up, it looks like it was made out of wet paper and sadness.
Just to be fair, one positive is in the beginning of the film, when the couple drives towards that old dinosaur road attraction. That scene gave me the fuzzies, as I remembered all those fun road trips I went on with my grandparents when I was a kid. It was a short-lived, “maybe this is good” delusion.
🗑️ Our Verdict: TRASH. Norman should’ve died sooner.
- ➝ 🧠 PTC Trivia: The backstories on a couple of the actors in this movie are wild, especially Corveth Ousterhouse, who plays the husband…or is it Carveth Osterhaus? That’s a rabbit hole I definitely want to go down.
The Final Spin: Slimy Creatures Rule the Day
Streaming Roulette is always a gamble. This time I thought I hit the jackpot early with Octopus 2: River of Fear — but like every idiot at the table who thinks they’re on a hot streak, I stayed too long and lost the rest of the night to cinematic sludge. Still, it’s always an adventure spinning the wheel.
- ➝ 📺 Watch If You Dare: We gathered the trailers and full uploads, if available, for this beautiful mess into one deliciously disastrous Streaming Roulette: It’s Alive in My Nightmares YouTube Playlist.
- ➝ 🎰 Spin Again: Ready for another questionable decision? Dive into the Streaming Roulette Movie Review Hub and see what the wheel coughed up next.
- ➝ 📇 The Movie Rolodex: Looking for full-length carnage? Search our Movie Rolodex: A–Z Archive to find your next favorite cinematic disaster
